Three important rules for a great life!

I have developed three simple rules that seem to get me through any of life humps and bumps. I shared them with a friend over dinner a couple of nights ago and wanted to share them with you too!

Rule 1. It's okay
Whatever you feel, whatever you want to do, wherever you're 'at' - it's okay!
We're always so hard on ourselves.... for no real reason.
I figure, that you would not scorn a friend for messing up once in a while, for dropping desert on their pants, for locking themselves out their house, for wanting to quit a class or for forgetting to buy toothpaste at the store. I wouldn't would NEVER be harsh to someone else for doing stuff like this - but we're all too often harsh on ourselves. So, wherever you're at 'It's okay' you're somewhere on life's path. It's all right... go easy on yourself. If you screw up - it's okay.. just learn from it! Say it to yourself 'it's okay'

2. It's not as bad as you think it is... plus it's temporary
I can think of soooo many times in my life when i've been in an utter rage... a couple of days later i can't even remember what i was so furious about. I try hard to remember - but nope! Over time, i've learned from this - stuff is never as bad as you think it is. Every cloud has a silver lining, but sometimes, when we're running for cover from the rain the silver lining is so hard to see.
Whatever bad thing you're suffering from, also remember that everything in life is temporary! Closing my eyes, saying something like: 'this soon will pass' over a few deep breaths is like prozac to me!

3. Everything always works out, always.
No... not a typo! The 'always' is meant to be in there twice - because that is the word that needs to be underlined here.

I have never experienced anything that hasn't work out in the end. Just the other day... i was eating lunch with a work colleague. I was laughing and joking about how i once had a formal complaint made about me to this board of directors. Suddenly, i thought - 'my god, i can't believe i'm joking about this.... this was one of the most traumatic things that ever happened to me at work.. i was convinced that this would kill off my career'.

I thought about it and then realized all the positive things that had come from this formal complaint. For example: It instilled a new sense of trust in my manager at the time - who backed me up 200% without a nanosecond of doubt. It made me work harder to protect myself against future complaints and do more 'due diligence' activities. I also had to defend myself against the Board. Let me tell you - once you've been through that experience - presentations, key notes, hard conversations - these things are all a piece of cake. This happened 7 years ago, but that experience made me grow a backbone of steel very quickly (like wolverine being injected with adamantium!) Rather than ruin my career - i think it made me what i am today!

So, i want to say: Thank you J. Swinburn for lodging the official complaint against me. I was so anger I could have stabbed you to death 7 years ago... but you were an angel in disguise and i am truly grateful! Thank you :-)

Dealing with flashbacks

I'm constantly surprised how many people experience distressing flashbacks. I've learned that it isn't just people who have been in an obviously traumatic event, but people from all walks of life. Business men to kindergarten teachers, students to doctors. Obviously, there is huge variety in what we experience when the vision forces itself upon us - but i might venture as far as to say that everybody experiences flashbacks at one point in their life.

If your flashbacks stem from your childhood, you may have picked up the wrong meaning from whatever event your mind keeps replaying. As children we’re not great in interpreting situations and often get it wrong. Even if we get it right, we can assign a disproportionate amount of emotion or meaning to an event.

Children also attribute blame in a simplified way, without understanding the complexity of the situation. Children haven't yet figured out the inner workings of a 'Fundamental Attribution Error.' As we grow into adults, we tend to carry around our original interpretation of an event, without question – we never ‘review the case’ or audit the meanings we picked up or behaviors we’ve learned from our childish encounter.

If this has happened to you, it’s time to flesh out your experience: you need apply your rational mind and the ‘what-you-know-now’ knowledge. You need to make sense of it in a wider context and understand what happened to you. Were you in one of the thousands of car crashes that happened that day? Are you one of the millions of children who had to go into a care home? Are you the only person on planet earth who was humiliated that day?

Depersonalizing the experience can greatly reduce the extent you feel a victim, read about others who have been in the same situation. You are not alone! Whatever you have experienced – you are not alone with you memories, so don't act like you're all alone, share!

Maybe the experience your mind clings to has been warped out of proportion and has absolutely nothing to do with your wellbeing right now. Perhaps you’re choosing to hold yourself prisoner to a memory that you accidently assigned too much emotion. But, nurturing your flashbacks and letting them be a part of your identity will not help you progress.

Using NLP techniques for flashbacks

When I have a flashback, I change my physiology in some way. If I’m slouching, I’ll stretch and sit bolt upright, and then, I say out loud ‘I will not be held prisoner’. Then I eagerly do something else that uses up the excess brain power that managed to conjure up this flashback (even an online game will do!) If I’m alone, I’ll use my body as if i’m really annoyed at someone. I’ll slap my hand on the table and speak in a low, loud, considered voice ‘I will not be held prisoner!’ – as if I was a famous actress in an oscar winning blockbuster.

It’s a powerful statement – I will no longer be held prisoner to the emotional-laden events that my mind randomly decides to throw at me. So now that you’ve unpicked the meaning, depersonalized your experience – tell your mind that it has no darn place upsetting you like this.

I actually do something similar when I get a vision of something bad that could happen in the future, I just go ‘SHUT UP’ in a condescending tone. Slowly but surely – your mind gives up! It takes a lot of discipline and can be really tough emotionally, but flashbacks will soon go and bug someone else.